I haven’t kept this blog as up to date as I’d like, but I have previously written on here in an entry called Time Enough for Love about my attitude towards the possibility of finding someone who will love me for who I am. I was in no rush, refusing to worry about whether or not I’d ever find anyone to be in my life, but confident in the belief that having no one at all is preferable to having someone you don’t really gel with, but knowing I would find someone when the time was right. It’s Valentine’s day so I thought a better present that some roses would be a heartfelt dedication to the woman I love.
Previously I’ve been a little dismissive, even derisory, about the notion of having someone else in my life. Indeed, after some false starts, let downs & outright lies from others, it was the most inauspicious of meetings that brought someone very special into my life.
Where the fuck have you been all my life?
On a night out, and with these immortal words, I breezed into a crowd of people (quite rude on my part) and grabbed the hand of a pretty girl that I wanted to dance with. I didnt know if she was with someone, with friends or even if she worked there. All I do know is I had to speak to her. Shame that the first words that came out were all that was in my head. I’m many things I guess and impulsive is one of them.
Helen, like me, has been a part of the trans community for years: assisting newbies who need pointers in where to go and who to meet & organising venues for trans folk to attend where they’ll feel safe with like minded people. I could have done with some of that TLC as I’ve developed over the years, but I guess some gurls dont have that inner strength and some need a helping hand from wonderful people like Helen, who have championed trans issues, coached girls for confidence & gone the extra mile to validate us as people. Definitely not a hanger on or a wannabe, a real ambassador for LGBT folks. And darned pretty too!
It was at Leeds First Friday, a venue I dont visit often, since I have Manchester on my doorstep, a visit to Leeds always involves staying over and a long drive. I can have 3 or 4 nights out for what it costs to go to Leeds, but seeing friends is worth it even if its not often as I’d like.
We had a bit of a dance and since I remember being with a group of friends who were off to another venue, so I was dragged along and herded away with only a brief reference to who I was and where I was from. I didnt remember the details, but apparently I’d made an impression. That would be the drink. Dutch courage. The detail hadn’t sunk in and it was quite a few weeks later, standing outside Napoleon’s in The Village that our paths crossed again, with Helen proclaiming
I’ve been looking for you
So here I am, And there she was. Standing on a busy street corner. Both a bit exciteable. No I hadn’t had too much to drink, neither had she so we were able to actually chat. Sparkle was coming up, should we meet up together during that? So we did, I liked what I saw and the more I saw the more liked, the only small worry for me was on the Sunday during the Sparkle weekend, after breakfast, I’d have to go home in drab and would she be interested still? I needn’t have worried ad the rest is history as they say. No that’s cutting the long story too short, and I have to confess about having cold feet and getting off to a bit of a false start. I was terrified of relationships, one after the other going disasterously wrong and I took it out on someone who was confident enough to let me go for a bit, to decide what I wanted and who then helped mend my broken heart. If that’s a little trite for you then I’m not sorry because thats how it was.
I havent had a hurdle to clear in “outing” myself to a loving partner because she met me as I am, Amanda. She has a wonderful understanding of the trans issues and identity so I have the utmost confidence in being myself (as I’ve said many times) knowing she loves me for who I am, as I love her.
I thought the distance would be a problem as we live 110 miles apart but again, I count my blessings, she’s not from Kent and Im not from Glasgow in which case meeting up would have been few and far between. But it’s not. We decided to play it cool at first, just “happening” to turn up at the same events I went to with friends, the same nights out in the same places and it was fun to see Sasha’s reaction to “you and Minxy?” as she is affectionately known in trans circles. Our secret, if that’s what it was, was out. It was right and wonderful and I felt I’d burst if I didnt tell someone, everyone. They all knew of her and liked her anyhow, but the biggest revelation was for myself: She gave me time. Time Enough For Love and I’ve loved her ever since.
In keeping with a kind of theme I’ve named this post after a track by Above and Beyond. Its about a first misstep, a slightly stumbled opportunity that comes right in the end. This Blog post isnt an end in itself, no conclusion to a night out or a drive home following a holiday weekend, its the start of a journey. She’ll be at my side on here and in my heart as we go along. We come as a pair. I dont feel complete without her, since I knew something was missing from my life and having found it I feel rotten when we have to be apart but even time will solve that problem.
I was right. There is someone out there for each and everyone of you. There are trans people out there who’s spouses or partners may reject them for the very reasons Helen and I are together, but trust me, it’ll work out.
You just need to be yourself and give it time.